LIFE AS I KNOW IT



DISCLAIMER

My thoughts tend to sound better in books I didn’t write, and in the songs I didn’t sing. Even then, sometimes there is no piece of literature, no song, no work of art that can really explain the way you feel. There is a double-edge comfort in knowing that no one really knows. [links]

I may not know everything about life, but here's a bit of it.

Happy birthday Nurin!
Saturday, August 07, 2021 / 2:54 am

Today is the day my soul sister, my shoulder to cry on, and my missing piece of the puzzle was brought into this world. Today is Nurin's birthday.

While I don't require a specific moment to realize the significance of your presence in my life, today just feels like the perfect time to remind you. So, here's a little love to remind you just how important you are.

Saying you're special doesn't quite capture it. I hope you truly believe how incredible you are. We've been through so much together, and I've seen every shade of you. Today, I reminisce about our memories, the obstacles we've overcome, the milestones we've achieved, and the happy and sad moments we've shared. I remember our late-night talks, our wild adventures, and our heart-to-heart conversations. I remember the day we met and how my life changed for the better.

Despite all the boyfriends who have been part of our lives, you were, are, and always will be my person. Because you have been the only one who’s always stood by me through thick and thin, through good and bad days. The only one who’s been giving me endless support from the outset and the only one who never abandoned me. You’re never too busy to listen to my problems and you’ve never told me that my concerns are foolish or irrelevant, even when they are. You’re always there to wipe my tears away and put a smile back on my face.

They say people come into our lives for a reason, and meeting you made me believe it. You've been my guardian angel from day one, pushing me forward and believing in me when others didn't. You saw the good in me even at my lowest.

I can’t help but wonder what I’ve done to deserve an amazing friend like you.

I would never be the person I am today if it wasn’t for you. And that is my biggest blessing and something I’ll be eternally grateful for. I’ll be eternally grateful for having you, and on this special day, I feel this gratitude the most because this is the day life sent me the best gift ever. The day we celebrate you and your existence.

Happy birthday, Nurin Imanina. I love you now and always.

The warmest embrace,
Mai x


Thank you
Tuesday, January 01, 2019 / 12:00 am

I've been writing this blog for months now. It seems like it’s been years though, with the amount I've written. I put my absolute heart and soul into writing this blog. Hoping to help others and find a common ground with people who are able to relate. I've written about my life to you guys. I've been as personal as I person can be with a bunch of people I've never met in this platform and I think the readers of this blog probably know me better than half of the people I've met throughout my life. But there's one person who knows me like the back of their hand, one person I haven't properly thanked and that's my boyfriend. Baby, this one's for you.

Dear Izzat,
I wanted to share these thoughts with you because I feel like I haven't expressed them enough. Sometimes, I struggle to express these sentiments because I'm not naturally good at giving compliments. But this isn't just a compliment; it's a heartfelt thank you. You'll never fully grasp how much I value you, how profoundly grateful I am to have you by my side. Over the last couple of months, amidst the ups and downs, you've been my anchor, keeping me grounded and sane. I don't want to spend this time crafting paragraph after paragraph about my love for you, because you already know how deeply I adore you. Instead, I simply want to express my gratitude for all that you've done, something I may have neglected to do before. Perhaps out of pride, perhaps out of embarrassment, or perhaps because I've always struggled to articulate my feelings verbally. So, thank you.

Thank you for always having my back and cheering me on in everything I do. You've been my rock when I've felt alone and confused. Your presence during tough times has meant the world to me. Thank you for always trying to understand how I feel, even when you didn't need to. Thank you for knowing when to set me straight, and for telling me when you think I’m wrong. I'm grateful for the small gestures like driving me home and keeping me company until I fall asleep every night. The little ways you incorporate me into your life, like naming your game characters after me or including me in your everyday conversations, make me feel cherished. Thank you for introducing me to One Piece; watching it together has been one of the highlights of my life... second only to you. Thank you for always reminding me that I’m the most beautiful girl in your eyes, you always know how to make me feel beautiful and loved. Thank you for the moments you make it clear you are proud of me; whether it's with a big grin after I've done something impressive or the way you present me to others like royalty. Thank you for not acting grossed out when you’ve probably had to see more snot than you’d ever planned on in your life. Thank you for all the wonderful times we spent together. Thank you for standing by me for these past 12 months, for making my problems your problems. And most importantly, thank you for loving me endlessly, for accepting my scars as a part of us. Thank you for staying, when you could’ve walked away. I know a lot of men would have. Thank you so much.

I'm immensely grateful for you, more so than you may comprehend, and I love you, more so than you can even fathom. Happy 1 year anniversary, love!

Yours forever,
Mai x


Hugs
Friday, April 27, 2018 / 1:09 am

Hugs are so nice.

Someone has missed you or is going to miss you. They love you. They wish to comfort you. They’re happy for you. They’re glad to see you. Maybe it’s a mixture of these, but whatever the case may be, you mean something to them.

Something significant enough that it makes them want to lock their arms around you and press their body onto yours, just to have you close. To get that little bit of a connection with you, whether it’s to make up for lost time or tide them over until next time, or whether their words have failed them but they just need to do something to show how they’re feeling.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately and I just think it’s the sweetest thing.


I Miss You
Thursday, December 07, 2017 / 12:30 am

Sometimes I try to convince myself I don't really like you. I pretend that you don't pop into my mind 1000 times every day. I pretend that the thought of you doesn't make my heart speed up and put a smile on my face. I pretend that I just think of you as a really good friend. I pretend that I don't want anything more.

But then... but then I see you. Or you send me a text. Or I somehow convince myself that I should send you a text. And in that brief moment I cannot deny to myself that I feel myself slowly but surely longing to have you wrap your arms around me.

I can't say that I love you; I am still too young and naive I think to truly know what it means to be in love. What I do know however, is that you make the butterflies in my stomach awaken, you make me laugh and forget my stresses, you make me feel excited for the future, you make me feel good about myself.

At the moment, I am not brave enough to tell you how I feel. At times I think to myself that today is the day, and I think that maybe, just maybe, I will be able to muster enough courage, but it never happens. Maybe one day I will find that bravery and courage, or maybe I never will, and next year when we are no longer together in the same place, I will be kicking myself for not being able to speak up. Who knows?

For now I just want to say thank you. Thank you for making me happy, for lifting my spirits when they were at all time lows, for sticking with me throughout all these years and being a wonderful and supportive friend. Maybe one day I'll know what it feels like to be in your embrace; or maybe you'll just be a happy memory in the storage of my mind. No matter what, know that you have brightened my days and changed me for the better.


It's Not Alright
Tuesday, December 05, 2017 / 2:18 am

Isn't it funny?

We could be right next to each other at this moment, criticizing whatever new stupid horror movie is on theater. We could be talking about our futures, building each other up to the point where we're too in love to say anything else. You and I could be helping each other with the struggles we've been facing lately, complaining about those that can't seem to stop their rambling about pointless shit.

And, yet, here we are. We sit in our respective houses and do nothing but watch each other's lives through a small screen. We wish for nothing but the other to reach out (at least, that's what I hope for). We get eaten alive by our own emotions because we can't go to each other to let it all out. We live mediocre lives because we're too damn proud to let ourselves go.

So, here we are. I'm too afraid to ask you to love me, because I don't think I'm worthy of your love. My pathetic phone screen taunts me with your face and our memories as I pretend that the thought of you doesn't make my heart races. I pretend that I just think of you as a really good friend. I pretend that I don't want anything more. I pretend like every little thing is alright.

It's not alright.


One Last Glimpse
Wednesday, November 29, 2017 / 7:27 pm



      
                      
       
   
       

       

Thank you for the memories,
xoxo




About This Feeling
Saturday, November 04, 2017 / 8:30 pm

You know that moment when you look at certain photos and you caught yourself laughing or smiling because it reminded you of something you couldn't forget? Like all those memories just flash right in front of you? I recognize that feeling very well. In fact, it has become an addiction. I think it's because it's a great way, at least for me, to relive those moments again.

I have been such a mess these few weeks. My feelings and emotions were (not surprisingly) mixed up. Like everything is not right these few weeks. I have this enormous fear about not scoring my SPM, I'm also so damn close on giving up in my studies. But it's funny how when you're about to give up on something, just on that moment, you realized of how bad you want it in the first place.

"I try to remind myself when I feel great like this that there will be another terrible week coming someday, so I should store up as many great details as I can, so during the next terrible week, I can remember those details and believe that I'll feel great again" -Charlie (The Perks of Being A Wallflower) 

I can do this. It's just SPM.


Pain
Monday, October 02, 2017 / 11:36 pm

"You can’t avoid pain but you can choose to overcome it." – Paulo Coelho

Pain.

We all have it.

It is the residual aching from loss, failure, and betrayal. It is having to live with the mistakes you’ve made, the decisions made by others and the fallout from them. The pain reminds us that what happened was real and drives us to never let it happen again.

Much our lives are devoted to avoiding pain. Our brains have set up all sorts of defenses against pain and we say phrases like "I’ll never do that again" to gain some sort of control over it. But despite the good intentions and protections we’ve put in place, pain is inevitable.

Pain is my constant companion. We've been hanging out for many years now. At certain times in my life, Pain has been a long distance friend— he’ll write, call, leave voicemails and text messages every once in awhile but for the most part, Pain and I didn’t connect all that much. But in other seasons, Pain decided to move in with me. He followed me to school, to the bathroom, to gatherings with my friends and family, sat in my car and laid in my bed.

Pain was everywhere.

I learned to make peace with pain being part of my lifelong journey, but I've also decided that pain isn't going to be the theme of my life. I want to have a plan for my pain.

I know that some traumatic events in life will never leave me and that I'll think or talk about them for years to come. But rather than feeling the same gut-wrenching, panic-filled rage and shame with each recollection, I want to be able to reflect on my life knowing how painful times were without reliving that feeling each time it comes to mind.

I think about it like breaking a bone. When you break something that was meant to whole, it can be ridiculously painful. There are moments of agonizing, consuming hurt. The healing process is lengthy and hard. But when you heal and tell the story of how you broke that bone and how you recovered, you don't actually physically feel that pain anymore.

You don't feel that pain anymore because you recognized that something was wrong, felt the pain, decided you didn't want the pain to stay and went through the process of healing.

When it comes to our emotional pain, some of us never go through these stages and we're left feeling the pain from a wound possibly many years old.

I was trying so hard to get rid of the pain by actions that I didn't allow myself to sit in it. I thought that if I sat in the pain I wouldn't survive it. I thought there was no way to mourn and make it out alive. I thought that if I allowed myself to really feel and embrace it, I would be stuck in the pain forever.

That, however, isn't how it works.

Inviting the pain in is what saved me.

Letting the pain in is giving yourself permission to fall apart, but it ISN'T saying that you want to stay that way. It is feeling the full weight of it all, all the anguish and heartache, and acknowledging how awful it was.

The point of feeling your feelings is to create room for healing to happen. This space is created from emotional release. Instead of striving to get better, push the pain down, or attempt to numb it, I faced it. And it was really, really messy.

Suddenly I'm the girl that cries all the time.

I listen to a certain song - I cry.

I shop at a certain store - I cry.

And suddenly I'm the girl with anger.

I pass by a certain neighborhood- I start stomping my feet on the ground.

I wake up in the morning - I throw my pillow against the wall.

I gave myself permission to express what was happening inside of me, no matter what it looked like. It is me actively deciding not to hide from what is real to me. And it left me with room in my brain to unpack how to become mended.

Feeling your feelings ISN’T the same as trying to torture yourself with your shortcomings or trauma. It is simply taking hold of a feeling when it comes, bringing awareness to it, and being kind to yourself about experiencing that emotion.

Pain isn't pretty and it doesn't require a pretty process. The important part is that you're doing it. Living a healthy life on the inside is a great image but it is absolutely terrifying to do the work to get there. But it is one of the bravest, most rewarding practices you can do.

I feel released.


Confession
Saturday, September 16, 2017 / 12:39 pm

One of the things I hate most is when expectations are laid upon a person being crushed on when they really shouldn't be. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but as a girl I have come across it more than once while growing up.

For example, I recently found out a guy I don't have feelings for has a crush on me, and when my friends found out too, they were all like "you should go out with him" and when I said "why" they replied "because he likes you. You should give him a chance. You might like him".

No. I do not like him and I cannot help that. It's cruel but it is not my fault. I can't make feelings that aren't there suddenly appear for someone no matter how hard I try. They are his feelings for him to deal with, not me. I can't say sorry for something I haven't done wrong. I have NOT led him on in any way. If anything, ever since I suspected he had feelings for me I have actually been more distant with him than anyone else. If I took it any further I'd have to completely ignore him and that's just uncalled for.

If you don't feel the same way about someone, absolutely nothing should be expected of you. 

I feel like we live in a society where people, especially women, are made to feel like we 'owe it' to a guy to go out with him just because that guy is crushing on us. you don't owe anything to anyone. if you don't like someone, you don't like someone. it's like we're made to feel bad for not having feelings towards someone even though it can't be helped.

"But he likes you. Why don't you like him too?" Because I don't.

I know. I know it sounds horrible and mean but what are you to do? You cannot force something if it's not there. I'm not suggesting you be mean to someone who is crushing on you (in fact, if they tell you they are crushing on you, you should as kindly as possible tell them you don't feel the same way). I'm just saying if you don't feel the same way there should be no expectations of you, and no guilt because you have done nothing wrong.

It just got me really annoyed because any time something like this happens, I am always made to feel guilty and always made to feel like it's down to me to do something.

"Hey this guy you have treated no different from anyone else and have no feelings for has a crush on you. Poor guy. You should go out with him anyway to make him feel better."  It sounds ridiculous when you put it into direct terms like this doesn't it; but that's basically what people are telling you when they make out like it's your problem. People are only going to get even more hurt if you entertain their feelings and try and pretend, because the truth will come out in the end. And besides, you shouldn't feel like you have to 'settle' with someone just because they like you. There'll be other people that like you. people that you like back.

This isn't one way either. I live my life by the same rules.

If I have a crush on a guy and he doesn't feel the same way, that is my problem to deal with, and they are my emotions to unpick. I expect nothing from the guy I am crushing on because it is not his problem that I have developed feelings for him if he doesn't feel the same way.

Obviously, if someone has led you to believe they like you too that is toying with someone's emotions and that is a completely different thing; but if someone hasn't given you any signs of liking you back then you can't expect anything from them.

In conclusion, when someone finds out someone they don't have feels for is crushing on them. Don't make the person being crushed on feel bad about it and like they 'owe' them something.


:(
Sunday, August 13, 2017 / 12:15 am

Knowing that all of our silly moments together were pure lies and were just an excellent act of yours really shattered me. I wish I knew what went wrong between us. Sometimes I hope I realize which part of me that changes. But most of the time I wish I could be inside your soul, seeing myself through your eyes and scanning my image with your brain. The truth may hurt but having the chance to know what you really think about me is everything I would trade for.

What are your feelings for me?
What are the thoughts that you keep?

Is it love...or hatred?

Maybe I'm too psyched with the the past that I came to forgot the fact that reality still exists. That people change. That time heals. That people move on. That somehow it's not anyone's fault if I'm feeling like an outsider. I don't know how to describe what I feel anymore. Life has been really tough on me these days. And trust me, I'm not that strong. There's some point in life where I choose to give up.


Can We Start Over?
Friday, June 30, 2017 / 3:30 pm

As I opened my eyes this morning, I had a sinking feeling in my stomach that something was wrong. After a minute I realized what it was...you were gone. How long has it been since you left? Oh, yes, I remember. About five weeks now. Actually, it's been four weeks, five days and uh let me see...about 10 hours. It seems longer than that.

Since you left, though, my nights are restless but uneventful. I find myself turning sideways in bed, wishing you were there. If I could put all my past lovers and every single person who's ever hurt me in a room, I would run to you over and over again. If I had to pick someone to break my heart, I would choose you to set it on fire and shatter it every time. I would choose you the moment I open my eyes and I would choose you when I am lonely on a rainy day. I choose you when I am frustrated with my homework and I choose you when I need to bawl over the death of my favourite characters. I will always choose you. And I will still choose you even when you do not choose me.

What all of this means, of course, is that I still love you and that your leaving has left a great impact in my life. It was anger, wasn't it? Maybe it was just a misunderstanding. Whatever it was, most problems can be solved when those involved have had enough time to cool off and think about it. I don't know about you, but I've had all the time I need. Actually, I can't even remember the details of why we separated or who was to blame. It doesn't seem important now, anyway, and it certainly doesn't seem worth throwing away all the good things we've shared together.

I'm half afraid to ask how you're doing. Do you miss me? I hope so. Is there a gap in your life that you haven't been able to fill yet? If so, stop trying to fill it and consider seeing me again. If you do, you will find an older and wiser person than you knew before, but I still love you just the way you are.


Current Perspectives About Life
Friday, July 01, 2016 / 9:59 pm

1. Enjoy it.
Rather than get bogged down by the meaning of your existence or life, realize the simple pleasures and have goals you can truly fulfill. For me, most of what I do comes down to whether I enjoy it or not. We are here, and we should be happy. Strive for it, live in it, be happy! Cue music?

2. Laugh as much as I can.
I've heard a person who laughs a lot typically lives longer. It's probably made up but I randomly believes in it. Why be sad when you can laugh it all out? Why be so uptight when you don't have to be? Laughter is contagious, it really is. Though I think I'd probably go overboard and laugh at funerals, too...

3. Money is necessary for life, but it shouldn't consume your life.
I have realized the importance of money, but I will not let it rule my life. There is no joy in earning high salaries and spending it luxuriously on limousines, girls, food, clothing, houses, and whatnot. What each and every human being on Earth have is the capacity to be happy. It isn't the material goods that we must need in order to be happy, but the simplistic meanings we attach to the things we have, the people we care and love about, the actions we do, and so on.

4. Exercise.
This isn't to say that everyone should aim to become fashion models or buffed out muscle builders. In order to enjoy life, to laugh as much as possible, to earn money, you really need a healthy lifestyle. Exercise does a bunch of other good things aside from the physical benefits. Exercise stimulates parts of the brain to release chemicals that make us happy. It is a great way to cool down stress, to figure out problems, and so on. There is no negatives for exercise unless you are overexhausting yourself or doing them the wrong way. And really, if you're even remotely resourceful, you'd look it up before you harm yourself while exercising.

5. Mutual love.
Is possibly the greatest...thing of all time. Some people say they don't need it. Some people will never find it. Some people will come close but walk a one-sided street. But for me, it is something that is so special, so emotionally uplifting, so rare, so enduring, so powerful, just so...positive all-around that people wouldn't mind fulfilling a buttload of obligations and face a crap ton of problems to sustain or to find it. Of course it can be warped into something unhealthy, something dangerous, something addictive, something painful, something awful, but it's a risk I'm willing to take to strive and attain in my lifetime.


Credits to 1|2